Query Critique #2

Submitted Query:

There is nothing quite as frustrating as being the last person to know what’s going on. Most days it seems like the whole world knows something Autumn doesn’t—the whole Underworld, anyway. Alright, you have my attention. I like the voice. I’m curious as to how old Autumn is though. I’d suggest inserting her age or maybe tell us what grade she’s in (if she even goes to school considering we’re dealing with the Underworld) to help root us in this reality. 

For Autumn, the biggest obstacle in her foreseeable future was paying for college. okay, so we get her age here. You could include college freshman/sophomore/whatever in the top paragraph and then this sentence isn’t really needed. She didn’t doesn’t need gods of half-forgotten myths swooping in to alter her course—but Hades had has never been one to sit back and watch the world burn. This paragraph is written in past tense. Be sure you keep everything in the present tense. Or perhaps he had been once, before the Nectar of the gods was stolen, before he had expired and gone on to the golden wheat field in the sky. Hector, the second incarnation of the Lord of the Underworld, refused to simply allow war to further darken his doorstep. Okay, all of the background you gave us about Hades seems to clog up what’s going on with Autumn and for whatever reason, I’m getting stuck on all the names dropped in this paragraph. Combing both sentences into one makes it easier. We don’t really need the name Hades since you’ve already mentioned the setting is the Underworld. Now, the question that comes into my mind is WHAT WAR?! Can you lead into it with the first sentence of this paragraph? Maybe combing all this can become a part of the next paragraph.

For Autumn, the biggest obstacle in her foreseeable future was paying for college not dealing with a war. But Hector, the second incarnation of the Lord of the Underworld has never been one to sit back and watch the world burn.

Enter Autumn, unknowing, untrained, unwilling Fury: the perfect secret weapon. Okay, after reading this, I think you can redo the sentence above to include the Fury information and then lead into her being Hector’s perfect secret weapon. Hector and Autumn strike a bargain but it is not as easy as it looks to be furious. <you can combine these two sentences> The more Autumn gets to know the inhabitants of the Underworld, the further she gets from her all-too-human problems. Who could think about homework or tuition or consequences when all of the gods were dying? Maybe cut one of those ors…I really want to see more of the major plot here. What does Autumn do when she finds out she’s a Fury? We need more details here. Tell me more about this war…>>This would make a great start to the third paragraph. With the help—or the hindrance—of the Fates, Autumn must train with Harpies, Furies, and other creatures formerly of myth to win the impending war for Hector, restore the ambrosia to Olympus, and be home in time for graduation. All in a Tuesday’s work. I do like how you tied in the voice from the beginning to the ending.

You forgot to include the book details so I’m curious as to whether or not this is YA or A. Based on what I’ve gathered here, I’d guess this is YA. I’m also curious about your word count and any comps you might have for this. 

I’d love to see this if you want to revise and resubmit. Sounds like a great manuscript! 

What Are Your Thoughts?

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