Query Critique #15

This query critique involves an adult epic fantasy that has multiple POVs. 

Submitted Query:

Dear Natasha,

Keirann Arand, the next High Priestess of Angern, has a secret that could destroy her chances of happiness, and her birthright to the Ivory Throne-unlike the rest of the Faithful of Illyia, she cannot weave the etheric threads of life and magic, and she could care less about the Throne. (You definitely have my attention here. I wonder if naming the Ivory Throne is necessary here simply because you provide us with a lot of information and by cutting that part you tell us her secret that much quicker. Or could you include the Ivory Throne information when you tell us she’s the next High Priestess?) 

When a group of Sephtian monks goad her into placing her hands on the old Shrine of Remembrance, powerful magic rises up within her and she not only releases a sacred and dangerous relic, but she hears a voice prophesying a horrible plague.  (So does this mean she now has the ability to use magic? I’m assuming from the first paragraph that she lacked that ability unlike everyone else. Do we know why the monks wanted her to do this?)

Now, marked as the Feyling-cursed harbinger of the goddess Illyia (Is that the voice she hears prophesying the plague, if so maybe mention it then)-Keirann flees with the relic. (Does she flee because people are turning on her? What’s her thought process to make her flee? To get as far away from her land before the curse is released? Here is where I’d introduce Niall.) But the monks hire crafty and ruthless mercenaries, (I thought monks were peaceful!) known as Reavers, to hunt her and retrieve the relic; and they will employ any means, no matter how brutal, to see the job done.

Torn between keeping her freedom and a rising sense of duty, Keirann teeters along the knife-edge of fate. One of few allies is her childhood friend, Niall, Captain of the Luan Guard. (Mention Niall sooner. We shouldn’t be seeing him for the first time in the final paragraph.) Together they must uncover the connection between the prophecy of the Feyling and the plans of the Reavers, or they risk losing Angern to chaos and ruin. (Great stakes!)

TANGLED THREADS is a 113,000-word, multi-pov, adult Epic Fantasy about a young woman’s struggle to remain true to herself in the battle between free will and fate. This work will appeal to fans of Christopher Husberg’s Chaos Queen Quintet, (cut comma add and) Liane Merciel’s Dragon Age: The Last Flight(comp author title)

This is a very interesting premise and has my attention. Another way to present this is through each POV instead of just giving us just Keirann’s side. Feel free to revise and resubmit if you want.  

What Are Your Thoughts?

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