Dear Ms. Neagle

Thank you for your generosity in offering free query critiques! I had started following you on twitter and submitted to you previously last pitch wars. (Nice personalization!) I’m sending you a sample of CryptoZoo, a young adult urban fantasy (92k words), where the creatures from The X-Files meet the fourth-wall wit of Deadpool. You could present your book details two different ways. 1 way: CRYPTOZOO is a 92,000 word Young Adult Urban Fantasy. Fans of The X-Files and Deadpool will like CRYPTOZOO. 2nd way: CRYPTOZOO is a 92,000 word Young Adult Urban Fantasy, where the creatures from The X-Files meet the fourth-wall wit of Deadpool. Never say you are sending a sample unless it’s per the agent’s guidelines. If it is, then simply say: The first five/ten/first chapter/etc are below/attached per your guidelines. 

Cleo’s life has been unusual, even by cryptid standards—it’s not easy being a blood-drinking Chupacabra raised by the forefather of all Sasquatch. Then her life upends when her papa vanishes, and the powerful Mothman prophesizes the extinction of all cryptid species looms unless he is found. This is a mouthful! I think you could combine the first two sentences to par them down into one. You have to be careful not to overload the reader with information. Maybe something like: Cleo’s life along with all cryptid species is in danger of extinction when her Chupacabra father vanishes according to the Mothman’s prophesy. OR MAYBE THIS VERSION: When Cleo’s father vanishes, the powerful Mothman prophesizes the extinction of the Chupacabra along with all cryptid species unless he’s found. 

Abandoning the wild southwest deserts, Cleo volunteers to follow her papa’s trail into “the Lands of Man”—Manhattan. What if you simplify this: Cleo follows her father’s trail towards ‘the Lands of Man”. On the way to Manhattan, she reluctantly…She reluctantly teams up with the one and only (I’d cut that and maybe just italicize the instead) Jersey Devil, JD, who she has butted heads with before. Setting aside their differences, JD teaches Cleo how to adapt to the concrete jungle by using magical glamour to appear as a human. So combining all of this is your potential new paragraph: 

When Cleo’s father vanishes, the powerful Mothman prophesizes the extinction of the Chupacabra along with all cryptid species unless he’s found. Cleo follows her father’s trail towards ‘the Lands of Man”. On the way to Manhattan, she reluctantly teams up with the Jersey Devil, JD. Setting aside their differences, he teaches Cleo how to appear human by glamouring and they discover Cleo’s dad, the forefather of all Sasquatch, has been captured. 

The pair soon discover the Sasquatch has not gone missing, but has been captured. At the top of their suspect list is a pair of proud cryptid hunting twins, Arthur and Lance, who are proud cryptid hunters. Determined to rescue her papa, Cleo struggles to maintain human disguise (maybe keep with the language of glamour since it’s been mentioned already and is a nice way to bring it back into play) as she investigates the seemingly kind Arthur. Soon doubts of Arthur’s involvement creep in—among other feelings—and after she unintentionally befriends a shy boy (Is this Authur or someone else?) with an interest in cryptozoology, Cleo is unsure how to reconcile her past trauma with humans. (If you aren’t going to discuss this past trauma with us, then maybe simply say she’s unsure how to reconcile her beliefs about humans.) 

Then when Cleo sniffs out JD’s mysterious past with mankind, it leaves her wary and stalling their search. (I’d cut this line because it pulls away from the main focus which you hit in the next line. I’d start this paragraph here–>)The deeper she plunges between the two worlds to find her Sasquatch papa, Cleo learns her natural enemies are more complicated than she could have imagined. They might not be the “monsters” she has long feared, and the cryptid family closest to her have dangerous secrets of their own. Okay, raise the stakes here. You raised them super high in the beginning when you talked about the prophesy, so you need to come back to that. 

I was born on a beach where dolphins played, grew up in an enchanted forest filled with deer, and studied Studio Art and Creative Writing at Hollins University, home to many squirrels. Did you get a BFA or BA? Maybe include that if you did and then I’d reword this to say I completed a (insert degree here) in Studio Art and Creative Writing at Hollins University. My stories and illustrations have been featured in literary magazines such as Strangelet and The Cyborg Griffin, and placed first in a First Page contest hosted by the Western PA chapter of SCBWI. I am also a member of the Hollins chapters of Sigma Tau Delta and Phi Beta Kappa. When not hip-deep in writing, reading, or printmaking, I dote on my cuddly rottweilers, wiggly corgi, and squishy axolotl. The last bit isn’t needed, although I’m totally jealous of your animals. 

Updates on my creative endeavors can be seen on my blog, Paintingdragonfeathers.tumblr.com, and on my Instagram, paintingdragonfeathers. Don’t put this here. You don’t want to invite agents/editors to click on links, but simply put your social media and web links under your signature, which you did (but I didn’t copy over). 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to your response.

Sincerely,

Revise and resubmit if you want!