#PitMad Pitch Practice

#PitMad Pitch Practice

pitmadThanks to the lovely Brenda Drake, another #PitMad Twitter Pitch will take place January 8, from 8AM EST to 8PM EST. Since I posted a blog for those of us planning on practicing in #sunvssnow to post our queries for feedback, I’ve been asked to post a blog for pitch practice as well.

As you wish!

Use the comments below to post your pitch. Make sure you leave room for #PITMAD hashtag and your genre/category. It’s imperative the genre in included at least. During #PitchMAS a few agents and editors said they passed on pitches because they couldn’t figure out if your novel was adult or YA or NA, etc.

Good luck and Happy Tweeking those Pitches!

116 thoughts on “#PitMad Pitch Practice

  1. I realise pitmad is done now, but Nat kindly said that I could still post mine – my book is still in need of heavy editing, so it’s more just for fun. And future reference 🙂

    Telara becomes High Priestess to a forgotten Goddess. Can she bring back balance to her world before it tears itself apart? YA/F #pitmad

    The world needs all its Gods to survive. Can Telara, now High Priestess of a forgotten Goddess, bring back balance in time? YA/F #pitmad

    Telara, Raised High Priestess of forgotten Goddess. Can she reunite the Gods and bring back balance in time to save the world? YA/F #pitmad

    Just some little thoughts 😛

    1. Hi,

      If you do a search on Twitter for “#PitMad conflict”, you’ll see some comments agents made while reading the feed. And that’s making me ask – why is the world unbalanced? What’s going on? There are also a couple of articles posted if you search for “#PitMad pitch”.

      With that said, I like the first one the best – but that could change once you’re done editing, because the book itself could change.

      1. How about this:

        Corrupt Priests. A world about to tear itself apart. Can Telara, new Priestess of a forgotten Goddess, restore balance in time? YA/F #pitmad

        1. Corrupt Priests. A dying world. Can Telara, new High Priestess of a forgotten Goddess, evade the Hunters & save her world? YA/F #pitmad

          is that better on the conflict?

  2. I’d appreciate any feedback on this pitch for an adult psychological thriller:

    To dispel inner demons, a writer gives his subconscious free rein. But the fictional world he creates may destroy him. A/Thr #PitMad

  3. I’m still trying to get a pitch that I like for my mg. Would someone take a look at this one? Thanks.

    Gordon tries, but he can’t please his dad. Is a brother his father kept secret the reason? After a 1000 mi. journey he may know. #pitmad mg

    1. In your first sentence, I think you can shorten it a bit to give yourself more characters later. Something like, “Gordon just can’t please his dad.” That implies pretty clearly that he tries.

      The line about the brother feels a little cumbersome. I’m not sure what to do with it, but if you shorten the first sentence, you’ve got 10 more characters to play with here.

        1. If anyone is still around – does this work?

          Gordon’s reality: moving from Brooklyn stinks, The Beatles rule, and he can’t please his dad. But a secret changes all he knows #pitmad MG

          1. This is a great start for a longer pitch, but I don’t have any idea of what kind of story this is, what the stakes are, or what the real problem is. Too much “Gordon is a normal kid” and not enough “journey of a thousand miles.”

              1. And another try……..

                Gordon just can’t please his dad – finding a secret may explain why. After a 1000 mi. journey he may find the truth and a brother #pitmad mg

                1. You can do more than one, if that helps. What about something like:

                  Gordon knows: Leaving Brooklyn stinks, The Beatles rule, & He can’t please Dad. Then a secret leads him on a journey of 1k miles. #pitmad MG

    2. The first pitch I think is stronger. You have a hook with his father and the conflict/obstacle. I think it needs to be more clear and specific. Why is the journey significant? I’m also feeling like this is out of order a bit? You can do this!

  4. This is my first attempt at #pitmad. Boy is it hard to pitch sci-fi in 140 characters!

    After discovering a secret underground world, Kriesha Battle meets a boy sitting on death row and must find a way to save him. YA SF #pitmad

    1. I think you did a good job. I like the intrigue of the underground world. The boy on death row makes me wonder – what did he do to get there? Why does she have to save him? I’d like to read this!!

    2. Pitching in 140 characters is tough. I feel like you’re not telling us enough about the story here. You can get more characters if you take out her last name or maybe change to “Kriesh must save a boy on death row.”

      If you could give a few sentences summarizing the plot, that might help us help you.

      1. Oh I like that change. Much more concise way to communicate that idea.

        Here’s my (still needs work) hook for querying:

        Kriesha Battle has simple goals – harvest her grain, repay her debts from a rough winter, and avoid Jedidiah’s romantic advances. She can’t bear the idea of showing up at market with nothing to trade, yet again. The other vendors take pity on her because she’s an orphan, but she is determined to prove that at 17, she doesn’t need their help.

        But then she goes and gets herself swallowed up by the ruins of Washington DC. Those abandoned subway lines collapse all the time, and she got caught in the wrong place at the wrong time.

        Except this isn’t an old subway line.

        Kriesha finds herself in the air vents of a long-forgotten underground world. In this world, electricity still rules life and everyone’s skin is milky white. She meets Stellan Wells, a young man who sits on death row for the simple fact of knowing too much.

        If Kriesha tries to free Stellan, she’ll lose her crop and risk her own freedom in the process. When Jedidiah doesn’t believe her, she resolves to prove him wrong.

        With her would-be captors in pursuit, Kriesha engages in a game of cat and mouse in her quest to rescue Stellan.

        1. Hmmm…

          After falling into an underground world, Kriesha must save a boy from death row in order to save her life. YA SF #pitmad

          When Kriesha is swallowed by the ruins of DC, she finds a hidden city & meets a boy who may be the key to saving her world. YA SF #pitmad

          When Kriesha heads to market empty handed, she has no idea that on the way she’ll tumble into a secret world beneath the city. YA SF #pitmad

          Just trying to play around a little with some different takes on it.

          1. Those are giving me some good ideas for different things to try…

            1) When Kriesha is swallowed by the ruins of DC, she finds a hidden city & meets a boy unjustly on death row. Can she save him? YA SF #pitmad

            2) After discovering a secret underground world, Kriesha must save a boy unjustly on death row without losing her own freedom. YA SF #pitmad


            1. I like the first one. It sets the scene, and it reveals the main characters and the primary conflict. Those are all things I need to know if I’m trying to decide if I want to read the book.

  5. This is my first time doing pitmad. I knew it would be hard (probably why I haven’t tried), but I didn’t know it would be THIS hard. Any help is greatly appreciated 🙂

    YAF 16yo servant Lia makes a deal w/ her master’s daughter for her freedom. Weird enough w/o 5 aristocratic teenage nobles tagging along. #pitmad

    YAF Visit forbidden bloodreaders, sneak into the enemy’s party, explore her dark past- what won’t 16yo Lia do to earn her freedom? #pitmad

    YAF After the king accuses her of her noble master’s disappearance, streetwise 16yo Lia must find him before real enemy finds her #pitmad

    YAF When Lia makes a deal w/ her noble master’s daughter to earn her freedom, she finds the dark reason for his sudden disappearance #pitmad

    YAF If Lia finds her missing master, she’ll earn her freedom- But her search uncovers a secret that could damn the entire realm #pitmad

    YAF 16yo Lia can finally earn her freedom-if only it didn’t involve bloodreaders, enemy tribes, & working with 4 teenage aristocrats #pitmad

    YAF When 16yo servant Lia discovers a dark secret, she must decide between using it to earn her freedom or save the ones she loves #pitmad

    YAF 16yo servant Lia can finally earn her freedom- but is she willing to damn the entire realm in the process? #pitmad

    YAF 16yo servant Lia strikes a deal for her freedom- if only it didn’t involve working w/ 4 headstrong, spoiled teenage aristocrats #pitmad

    YAF 16yo servant Lia just wants to be free- if only she didn’t have to damn the entire realm in the process #pitmad

    YAF 16yo servant Lia just wants to earn her freedom- if only she didn’t uncover a dark secret & endanger the entire realm in the process #pitmad

    YAF 16yo servant Lia wants to earn her freedom- if only she didn’t uncover a dark secret & endanger the entire realm in the process #pitmad

    1. That’s a lot to read through, Christine. I read a few, but keep going back to the first one. But I don’t think the word ‘weird’ works there. Why is getting her freedom weird? But otherwise, I think it works.

      1. I know it’s a lot– I’m sorry! I meant to only paste 5, but it didn’t copy correctly. *sigh* Thank you for taking a look!

    2. I agree with Barbara – what’s so weird about her freedom? You might kill the piece about the 5 aristocratic teenage nobles – so many characters for such a vague/seemingly unimportant piece! This could give you 56 more characters to make us care about Lia’s freedom or understand why the deal is weird.

      1. Thanks for your help! I’m thinking “stressful” might be a better word. I’ll look into what I can do about taking out the other characters. 🙂

    3. Focus on the goal, obstacle, and conflict. The goal is her freedom, the obstacle the tasks, and the conflict is the secret. I feel like each is missing one piece– you’re so close! The fourth one feels the strongest to me for some reason. It seems the most specific in the details. Good luck!

  6. Thanks for your help!
    I will be pitching 3 books:
    1) What half-grown boy thinks he can save his family from an invading army? One learning magic as fast as he can YA/F #pitmad

    2) Tobias thought he would be cutting the grass & doing odd jobs, but the jobs get really odd when you’re The Alchemist’s Lawn Boy MG/F #pitmad

    3) There may be 7 Ways To Lift A Curse, but Amelia must find one that doesn’t require blood sacrifice before she’s out of time. MG/F #pitmad

    This is my first foray, am I on the right track?

    1. For the first one, I don’t know what a half-grown boy is. You might just give us his age. I like it.

        1. I’m a newbie at this stuff too. Some people have a knack for it, others struggle like me!
          I’m not crazy about ‘adolescent’ but maybe ‘young’ boy – or pint-sized? Half-grown might be okay but it just had a weird connotation to me.

            1. Thanks, maybe I’ll go with young boy. Adolescent and teen make it sound contemporary, and it has a roughly medieval setting.
              The other two look OK?

  7. Hi, I’m new to this. Just when I though I had my Pitch letter as polished as it might be… I met Twitter and #PitMad. I have made ten mini pitches today- but I’ll appreciate if you can give me any advise.

    1. Before tales disappear,Kyra and Mack must make peace,but he’s an un-aging jerk who wants every witch dead,her included.YA #PitMad

    2. A girl who despises fairy tales.A boy living a fantasy world of magic, pain and ink. Bad match for the first heartbreak.YA #PitMad

    3. The un-aging will hunt Kyra.Her writings will hunt him.But their origins?Who’ll be flesh and who’ll be ink?YA #PitMad

    1. I like #2, but the word heartbreak doesn’t seem to fit. Wouldn’t romance or something like that work better? Heartbreak comes later, no?

      1. You’re right. But there’s no romance between them, just flirt. Though her heart is broken as soon as she meets him, because her plan of life changes drastically. Despite promising herself to never fall in love, she falls for the un-aging boy in a whim.
        I’ll work in a better word than heartbreak!

        1. The lack of spacing around periods and commas really hurts my eyes. Maybe it’s just a preference, but since you have extra characters, I’d use them.

          The second one really makes it sound like there’s a romance – if the romance isn’t part of the storyline, it may attract interest from the wrong types of agents. I’d work with the first one.

          1. It does have romance, but not the cheesy one. The tension between them is sometimes from arrogance, despite they both fall in love.
            He’s a boy who was sent into a written story and there he lived eternally by himself but he was so tired of all that he just wanted to die. Tricked by a Wizard, he travels to human world looking for a girl who possess the artifacts needed to break his spell. When he met this smart, bossy girl in school, his plans will give a flip. She is a knows-it-all, perfect grades, library lover, who had made a plan to continue how she was and get a scholarship to be the best journalist known. But when her father sends her to a mysterious world of ink with a quest to discover the reasons behind her mother’s abandonment, her life turns upside down, with the un-aging boy right behind her.

            And you are so right about the spacing. I just didn’t add the space this time fearing that this short pitch didn’t fit. I’ll add them before using in twitter. Than you!

  8. I’m not a fan of writing Twitter pitches so any help is appreciated! Thanks again for hosting!

    #1 When Kin’s sister is summoned to the Moon forever, Kin must charm demons, climb a mountain, and reveal a secret to save her. YAF #pitmad

    #2- Moon’s daughter. Demon charmer. Two sisters will lose each other unless Kin reveals her true self to the boy she loves.YA/F #pitmad

    #3-Moon’s daughter. Demon charmer. Two sisters will lose each other unless Kin reveals her true self– and faces real demons.YA/F #pitmad

    1. #1 is my favorite. I love the use of the word “summoned”. It conjures up interest in who these demons are. I’d want to read more.

      1. Thanks for commenting! Someone mentioned to me they didn’t like “reveal a secret”. Do you think that should be something different or reworded? Thanks!

  9. I agree with Laura. I love the wording in the first of your old pitches. “Wanted by hell for what she can do” is gripping. If you want to freshen it up, try keeping your first two lines which are great and use bits from your other attempts – but you could go with it as is.

    1. Thanks Barbara. I’ve been toying with another one, but I really like my old one’s the most. A variety is good to have though.

  10. Could use some help with my twitter pitch (or twitch as I have coined it). I have two very different versions for the same story. Thanks for your input.

    1. Gordon believes 3 things: the Beatles rule, on his bday he’ll become a man, & his dad’s a hero, but a secret tests all he knows. #pitmad MG

    2.Gordon searches for the brother his father kept secret, though both of them may hate him for doing it. #pitmad mg

    1. I don’t know anything about the story, but I feel like what you have here are two very different tones also. So, you want the one that better reflects the story.

      The first one is more interesting, and more like something a young boy/teenager would say. If it’s written in that type of voice, use the first one. If it’s written to be more dark, then go with the second.

      Does that make sense?

      1. Absolutely. The first one is more reflective of Gordon’s voice, so I should stick with that. It just doesn’t tell much of the story, though from what I’m reading, the pitch just has to get their attention! Thanks for your response.

  11. Hi, I am new to #pitchmad and really want to participate in it tomorrow. I love that you are doing this, thank you so much for your willingness to give us some help. I hope I can make my pitches stand out (in a good way).

    1) Anna, haunted by deadly magical sins of her past, helps local police hunt a serial killer wizard by speaking with the dead. UF #pitmad

    2. Lydia must help Fairy Folk stop a murderous sorcerer, in exchange for her life. Elves are jerks, also pretty and dangerous. NA UF #pitmad

    1. Elinor, Are these two pitches for different stories?

      I like them both. In the second one, I’m not sure what Elves have to do with the first part of the pitch, but I think it’s a great line.

      1. They are for different stories, yes. But I understand what you mean. They are very different stories, but once I was done writing the first one I suddenly clued into the problem that my two Evil Bad Guys were pretty much identical. Heavy sigh. On the bright side I have found I have a weakness when it comes to creating villains so now I try to work very hard at not letting that happen again.

        1. So the Fairy Folk are Elves? I love the use of Fairy Folk, so I would end with Fairies are jerks……. I love that!

      2. Grr. I’m sorry for the spam. I just realized I had an alternate pitch for my second one. It makes things more clear, that it’s an Urban Fantasy. Again, I’m sorry for the spam.

        2a.) Lydia wants to survive college and the dangerous politics of the Fairy Folk, but fairies are jerks and some want her dead. NA UF #pitmad

  12. Okay, reworded it slightly –

    Hidden by Death. Hunted by Chaos. Guided by Fire. Terran must protect the veil btwn worlds before an unimaginable evil escapes.A/UF#pitmad

    1. This grabbed me though I’m not sure of the formatting. I wonder if commas would work better than periods and make it all one sentence. But the pitch is great.

  13. Would love help, really struggling this time!

    When Jim steals the Prism and escapes to England, he didn’t expect to fall for the man who’d kill to have it for himself. #pitmad m/m rom

    Jim has the prism. Liam wants it badly enough that he’s killed for it, but when he meets Jim, nothing else matters. #pitmad m/m rom

    1. I like the first one better.

      I tend to think that it’s obviously m/m and doesn’t need to be stated, but agents who are looking for LGBT stories might appreciate having it there.

      1. Thanks. 🙂 I thought having m/m would help if an agent was skimming over looking for genres they were after.

    2. I’m new here and reading all of your pitches to help me with mine. I find writing them very difficult. Thanks for hosting this help session, Nat.

      Emmy I think the first pitch is spot on. The prism is intriguing and I like that you tell us it’s set in England. Good job.

  14. Oh my gosh, this is so awesome that you’re doing this! Bring on the feedback!

    1. Human Firebirds and Phoenixes exist in 3013. Firebird girl loves a Phoenix, an enemy of her race. Can their love survive amidst two warring races? YA/UF #pitmad

    2. Love & war plague Earth’s 3 divided cultures: the nature-healing Firebirds, the tortured-rebirthing Phoenixes, & the crystal-revering humans YA/UF #pitmad

    1. If the love story is an integral part of the story, go with the first one. If it’s a subplot, then the second one could work.

    2. I think a combination of your two pitches would work well. Here’s a suggestion.

      Love and war plague Earth’s 3 divided cultures. Human Firebird girl loves a Phoenix.. Can their love survive two warring races?

      I love the Romeo and Juliet theme taking place in 3013!!

  15. Hi everyone.
    I’m new to #pitmad and would really love some input on my pitches! Heart in mouth a little as I do this, feeling naked!! And impressed/excited about the work I see here in this thread.
    Also, any guidance about when/how often to Tweet? I’ve read not-too-much, but I’m assuming only once isn’t enough?

    Here are three pitches I’ve put together:

    1) 2 teens use telepathy, telekinesis, shamans, & Incans to hunt down secret scientific experiments, lethal pharmaceuticals, murderers. YA #pitmad
    2) Telepathy, telekinesis, shamans, & prehistoric Peruvian aqueducts help teens track down murderers & lethal pharmaceuticals. YA #pitmad
    3) From a Minnesota farmhouse to Incan temples & prehistoric aqueducts, telepathic, telekinetic teens fight betrayal, murder. YA #pitmad

    1. Hi Heather!

      In regards to frequency, I’m basing my tweeting off the #Pitchmas event – no more than two Tweets per hour, and no direct contact with agents unless they contact you first or indicate that certain genres/age groups can direct contact them ^^ The reason people prepare a couple variations is not only for the agents, but to stop Twitter marking you as spam (which has happened and is a pain!) You will definitely want to post at least once per hour as there will be a lot of people pitching.

      On to the pitches ^^

      Firstly, it might help if you can add the genre as well as the age group. Mine list as YA/Steampunk, for example. So if you can work in YA/(genre) that will help you immensely!

      Secondly, to save space so you can include the genre, maybe you could replace “telepathy, telekinesis” with “psychic abilities” and “psionic abilities”. At the moment there’s so much information packed into these, it’s a little awkward to read.

      My first pitches for Pitchmas were so full of information, too! I had to really push myself to peel them back to the very basic: Who, what, where, when, why, how. Try to answer each of those with 1-2 words and then use that to construct your pitches.

      My critique partner and I tried to rewrite a few for you. You’re welcome to use them as is, or use them as a base to rewrite what you have here ^^ (obviously replace the “Fantasy (?)” with the correct genre!) We pulled “pharmaceutical drugs” from all the pitches because it takes up a lot of characters, and is something you can address in your query. “Drugs” alone is an eye-catching word and frees up space for you in the Tweet.

      1) Two teens use psionic abilities, shamans, & Incan secrets to uncover deadly conspiracies and betrayal. YA/Fantasy (?) #pitmad

      2) Psionic powers, shamans, & prehistoric Peruvian aqueducts pull 2 teens into a dark conspiracy involving lethal drugs. YA/Fantasy (?) #pitmad

      3) From a Minnesota farmhouse to Incan temples & prehistoric aqueducts, psionic teens fight betrayal, murder. YA/Fantasy (?) #pitmad

      I hope some of that helps!

      1. Stephanie-
        Terrific- love the rewrites, great advice. Will definitely use to springboard new versions. Thank you so much!

          1. I agree with Stephanie’s comments. I would just add that you can gain a ton of characters if you abbreviate Minnesota. That might help. Otherwise, I like the third one.

    2. Welcome to Pitmad! It’s my first time participating as well! I agree with Stephanie’s feedback below. Good luck!

  16. Thoughts?

    Hidden by Death. Hunted by Chaos. Guided by Fire. Terran must protect the veil 2 the inbtwn before an unimaginable evil escapes.A/UF#pitmad

    1. Oooh, intriguing! I already like the sound of it! Personally, though, for the flow of the pitch, I’d try taking out “2 the inbtwn”. I had to reread a few times to get the meaning (though, I am awful with txt speak)

  17. I got some good response from PitchMas but I didn’t want to simply reuse the same pitches for PitMad. So I hope you all don’t mind me workshopping the new set!

    1 – 3 teens trapped in a world of magic and automatons tip the scales in a brutal civil war as they search for a way home YA/Steampunk #PitMad

    2 – Led by a false prophecy three teenagers become unwilling figureheads in a bloody civil war between magic and technology YA/Steampunk #PitMad

    3 – Magic, monsters, automatons and betrayal await three teens when they become trapped in a Steampunk world poised for war YA/Steampunk #PitMad

    4 – 3 teens trapped in a Steampunk world must risk civil war to avoid becoming the experiments for a ruthless revolutionary YA/Steampunk #PitMad

    5 – Trapped in a volatile Neo-Victorian world, 3 teens face a perilous journey home amidst monsters, magic and war Ya/Steampunk #PitMad

    1. I like the first one best, followed by the fifth.

      I don’t think you need to say “Steampunk” twice in 3 and 4. It feels like those characters could be put to better use. How important is the false prophecy? Should that be worked into those pitches instead?

      1. I was wondering about the repetition of Steampunk, so thank you for confirming my thoughts in regards to editing that. The false prophecy is a large part of the book so I’ll definitely work that into 3 and 4 if you think that would be better?

        Thank you <3

    2. I hope you all don’t mind me posting the pitches I reworked. I tweaked pitches 3 and 4 on Laura’s advice but I’m a little torn over how well they flow:

      3 – Magic, monsters, automatons and betrayal await three teens entangled in a false prophecy that leads to civil war YA/Steampunk #PitMad

      4 – 3 teens, guided by a false prophecy, must risk civil war to avoid becoming the experiments for a ruthless revolutionary YA/Steampunk #PitMad

        1. Thank you both! I think I’ve got my piches all sorted then and ready to go. You’ve been so helpful <3

    3. I liked number 5 the most, it seemed the easiest to understand and I like the sound of ‘neo-Victorian.’

  18. Here’s the one that got favorited from #PitchMas:
    Disillusioned w/ real world, 24YO Jen goes on TV show. She’s seeking adventure and money, but will she find true love instead? #pitchmas

    I also posted:
    24yo disillusioned with real world applies for TV show. Clicks instantly w/ fellow contestant – but so does another woman. WF/NA #pitchmas

    Disillusioned w/ real world, 24YO Jen goes on TV show. She clicks instantly with the handsome Justin – but so does another woman. #pitchmas 

    This time, I was thinking about trying:
    When 24YO Jen answered an ad seeking contestants for a reality show, she didn’t realize that her whim would lead to true love. NA #PitchMAD

    Honestly, I wrote it as chick lit. At the time, I’d never heard of NA. But I’ve had people say that, because she’s 18-25 and it’s written post-graduation, it’s considered NA. I don’t really want to say that it’s both, because agents don’t like that, but I wonder if I should just stick with WF – that’s what I intended to write.

    1. I really like your new one, even more than the 2nd and 3rd one listed from Pitchmas. I’d go with your gut in deciding whether to list it as WF or NA. I’ve heard the same about the age thing, but I think it could work either way.

        1. I thought NA was a little younger than 24, so many stick to WF? I like your third one and last one in this list.

            1. Thanks. 🙂

              I thought it was 18-25, but it looks like it’s also someone who is struggling with issues like a first relationship, starting college, first job, etc. – and the book really isn’t about any of that. So, I am going to stick with WF.

  19. Here are mine:

    Terran never knew she was a demigod. She was just as ordinary as any other 27yo…that is, until she met Aiden, a phoenix. A/UF#pitmad

    Hunted by her uncle, the god of Chaos, Terran must protect the key to the veil btwn worlds b4 all Hell breaks loose-literally. A/UF#pitmad

    Hunted by the gods 4 the key she never knew she had, Terran is all that secures the veil, keeping the dead from destroying all. A/UF#pitmad

    Terran never knew she was an Egyptian demigod, just like planned. Now Chaos has found her & all Hell could break loose-literally. A/UF#pitmad

    1. I like the second and third a lot! The last one left me a bit confused. It discusses a plan, but I was confused about who was doing the planning. Other than that, it sounds great!

  20. Here are my pitches:

    YA: The Gods are angry & Sera must appease them, but will she sacrifice her most cherished talent, magic, to save her oppressors? #pitmad

    YA/F Sera plans to save her Granpa from jail, but ends up saving those who imprisoned him and the world from destruction by spirits #pitmad

    1. I really like the first one!
      With the second, I like it and I see where you’re going with it, but it doesn’t roll off the tongue. I just think the fact that she’s also saving the world should have a little more Umpf. Maybe a strategically placed comma might help?

    2. Is there a way to get into 140 characters why the gods are mad and what they want from Sera? (I understand if there isn’t)

  21. I’ll go ahead and go first. I have two pitches that did pretty well during #pitchMAS so I plan on using them again, but I created another pitch and reworked one after tightening my query. Do the new one’s work at all or should I just stick with the old ones? While I got some nibbles at #PitchMAS, I didn’t get as many as I’d like from agents.


    Banned from Heaven for who she is. Wanted by Hell for what she can do. An ancient plot makes her a danger to both. #pitmad YA/UF

    17yo Carri & her Guardian Angel boyfriend are banned from heaven, but it’s up to them to prevent Hell from breaking in. #pitmad YA/UF


    Central to Hell’s plot to break back into Heaven, Carri & her Guardian Angel boyfriend must stop the uprising or die trying. #pitmad YA/UF

    Hell wants to open the gates of Heaven, leaving 17yo Carri & her Guardian Angel boyfriend to stop a war or die trying. #PITMAD YA/UF

    1. I really like the first of the old ones, it gave me a good idea of what the story is about and makes me want to read more. The others are great. I think the one that sticks out as needing the most work is the first of the new. I think my biggest issue is I you start out saying, “central to hell’s plot”, but then I don’t learn what is central to hell’s plot. Sounds good though.

    2. I really like the first of the old and the last of the new. I also agree with the comments about the first of the new.

      1. I’m going to play with it some more and see if I can come up with something more concrete. Otherwise, I might just stick with the one that worked before.

    3. I really like the first of the old ones, too. I actually remember reading the #PitchMas thread and thinking, “Wow, I want to read that.” (I think that’s when I started following you)

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