Query Critique #5

Submitted Query: 

I am excited to share with you my suspense-driven science fiction novel, GIFTED, which is complete at 76,000 words. Which category does this novel fit into? Adult? YA? Also, I’d say GIFTED is a <<category>> science fiction novel with suspense elements complete at 76,000 words. If you have any comps be sure to mention them here. You are welcome to keep your title information here, but I always place the title information at the end so the story can wow the reader (agent, editor, etc) on its own.

With a simple touch, twenty-fouryearold Aeron Baines learns how a person will eventually die. You have my attention. But how does Aeron learn? Does he experience it? Does he see it? I’d like more details here to really hook me as a reader. Rather than act on the information he finds, Aeron has eschewed <<great word here, but the average person isn’t going to know its meaning…consider simply saying he avoids human contact human contact to prevent the terrifying images from chipping away at his sanity. So is he a shut-in who refuses to leave his house or does he do something else to avoid contact? Wear long sleeves, gloves, etc? 

I’d make this a new paragraph>>When a mysterious co-worker arrives and promises to unlock the depths of his powers, <<which is what? this is really vague he starts to see <<can you reword this to make it more active? even simply saying he sees/ he imagines etc makes it stronger a future where his feisty new neighbor, Hanna, could be more than a friend. But Hanna has her own secrets that she’s not willing to share, one of which might cost her life. <<What does Hannah having secrets have to do with him hooking up with her? The two don’t really connect to me. I’d reword this to make this flow better so we can see understand the connection between your two thoughts. 

Hindered by fate, fear, and Hanna’s evasiveness about her past, he Aeron struggles to master the seductive and violent powers that slumber within him. <<How does he struggle? Is he being taught how to use them thanks to the mysterious co-worker? If the co-worker is an important part of the novel, I’d mention their name. If he fails, he could lose the woman he loves. If he succeeds, he could lose himself. Great stakes!

GIFTED is the first in a planned series, and while the book itself is for an adult audience, the pace is appealing for those seeking YA crossover. The book is written in a similar vein to the television series HEROES with a tone reminiscent of Leigh Bardugo’s Grisha Verse series. Instead of saying all this, I’d say Fans of NBC Heroes and Leigh Bardugo’s Grisha Verse series will enjoy GIFTED. If you are going to talk about the book details in the beginning, you need to include this information up there. Make sure you write that this is a standalone with series potential because agents and editors want to know the plot of book one can be wrapped up and sold without other books required. 

Revise and resubmit! GIFTED sounds fabulous!

What Are Your Thoughts?

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.